After work today, I picked up my fiancée and we went back to my apartment. Over the last weekend, we had gone down to California, among other things, to pick up the remainder of her belongings from her parents, and bring them back to Texas. We got back Tuesday, but have not finished unloading all of her stuff from the U-Haul. You see, she has a lot of stuff. Some of it will go to her current apartment. A lot of it will stay in my apartment. Anything left over will be put in a storage unit. So, the U-Haul has been mostly sitting at my apartment complex since then, and she has been going through it to figure out what can go where. Since nothing is really organized in the truck, this process can take a while. Hopefully we’ll be done by Saturday, because that’s when we have to return the truck.

So, the result of all of this is that basically we have been moving her stuff into my apartment for most of the evening, and organizing it somewhat. Or in other words, we have been turning my apartment more into our apartment. It’s actually a pretty good feeling.

In between all the packing and stuff, we also played some board games, ate dinner while watching some TV, and so forth. When it came time to go, we got on my motorcycle, Jill, and headed back to her place. Right as I pulled onto the highway, I had a wonderful experience. One might call it an epiphany, but I will call it an inspired message.

Let me describe the situation. It was a cool night, about 70 degrees, but going down the road at 70 mph with my jacket partially open, the wind chill brought it down to about the upper 40s or lower 50s. It felt great. I was sitting atop my speedy little motorcycle, Jill. I wasn’t flying down the highway, giving her a real workout, but the feel of her warmth between my legs, the rumble of the pavement beneath, the movement as we swerve around the traffic is a wonderful feeling. And to top it all off, sitting behind me, is an amazing, beautiful, fantastic woman, whom I love with everything I have, and who will soon be my wife. My fiancée, Kali, is sitting there, and I can feel her legs against my thighs, and her hands resting lightly on my waist. I’m reminded of all that we’ve shared, and all that she means to me.

As this is happening, a feeling comes over me. But it wasn’t just a feeling, it was a message from my God. He said to me, “Daniel,” (He always calls me “Daniel,” never “Dan”) “I have put you here to have joy. The people I have placed in your life, and the experiences I have given you are for that purpose. Cherish them.”

I truly have a blessed life. My family (present and future), my friends, my good times, and my bad times make me a better person, and bring me more joy. I don’t know if I’ll ever understand why the Lord blesses me so, but I know that he does, and for that, I am truly grateful.

If you’ve been following me on Twitter, keep up with me on Facebook, or see me on a day-to-day basis, you’ve probably already heard about the amazing new woman in my life. Kali Weber came into my life a short time ago, and immediately transformed it. After becoming fast friends, our friendship quickly transformed into romance. It was almost scary how quickly we became everything to each other, but I knew in my heart I had found the woman I should be with for eternity. So, after a two-week courtship, I asked her to make me the happiest man in the world by marrying me.

I know some people are going to be worried. Two weeks is a really short amount of time to really get to know a person. If you had asked me two months ago what I thought of people who got engaged so quickly, I would have told you I thought they were idiots. There is no way they could know after such a short time if they were right for each other. It just isn’t possible, and there’s no way I’d ever be one of those people. I would also have been wrong. It’s true that there is still a lot that we don’t know each other, but what I do know about Kali is that she’s caring, passionate, a lot of fun, friendly, loyal, and that I am totally and completely in love with her and can’t imagine myself with anyone else. Anything else I need to know, I can learn as I fall in love with her over and over again more and more each day for the rest of our lives.

Even more than that, I know that we never should have ended up together had it not been for Divine Providence. I have felt the Hand of God in my life more this past month than ever in my whole life. If the God of Heaven and Earth wants the two of us to be together, then I’m certainly not going to tell Him to cool it off and slow down a little.

I thank Him every day for this wonderful woman he has put in my life. I don’t know what good thing I did to deserve this amazing blessing in my life, but a blessing she is. I can’t wait to be united with her for all eternity, to spend our lives together, to overcome challenges together, to grow old together, to see children and grandchildren come into our life together. And for all this, I am truly blessed.

Last week, I got really angry. I’m not going to talk about why I got angry, because to do so would require me to violate the privacy of the person at whom I was angry. Let’s just say that I felt like I’d been done wrong, and I was royally pissed because of it.

So, I needed some way to deal with this anger. I needed to blow it off, somehow. My first idea was to get on my bike, go to the tollway (very little traffic), and just drive. This may seem like an odd thought, but motorcycle riding can actually be very therapeutic. It’s quite cathartic, and an emotional release was what I felt I needed. However, in my condition at that time, I would have likely just driven as fast as my bike would take me, and if I didn’t get pulled over for speeding and have to pay the largest ticket in the history of mankind, then I probably would’ve crashed, and if I was lucky, died. I say “if I was lucky” not because I felt like I wanted to die, but rather because, were I to crash going at the speed I surely would have been going, I would have been better off dying than surviving the crash, because no amount of protection can keep one from harm at those speeds. I would’ve ended up a vegetable for the rest of my life, or severely disabled.

So, luckily, I had enough good sense not to get on my bike right then, but I still needed to do something. I looked around my apartment, and one can’t look very far around my apartment without seeing a blade of some sort. I have knives, daggers, and swords decorating the walls of my apartment, and right then, I wanted to use them. I tried to think if there was something nearby that I could stab and slash without hurting anybody, without making a significant mess, and without paying for any damage I would inflict. I could think of nothing.

So, my next thought was violent video games. I figured slashing, shooting, and generally killing would be a useful outlet for my anger. So, I popped in Wolfenstein 3D (a classic), turned on all the cheats, and played at the highest difficulty. I didn’t want anything to stand in my way of killing as many Nazis as I could. Unfortunately, I didn’t have a cheat to give me all keys, so I ended up at a location where I couldn’t find a key, and therefore couldn’t progress in the game. And I had already killed all the Nazis on that level. I gave up in frustration.

So, then I switched to a fighting game: Bleach: Shattered Blade. This game has the added benefit of utilizing the Wii’s motion-sensing technology, so instead of just pushing buttons, I’m actually swinging the Wiimote around, as if a sword. I thought, for sure, this would help me work out my negative energy. After a few rounds of intense slashing, stabbing, et cetera, I was very tried, but still angry.

You see, I learned there that there’s no such thing as “negative energy.” (Stephen Hawking would disagree with me, but I’m talking about in an emotional/metaphysical sense, not a physical one.) It may be true that anger gets endorphins pumping, which gives one energy, but that’s not negative energy, it’s just energy brought on by negative emotions. By trying to get rid of the energy, I was treating a symptom, not the disease.

So, as I sat there in my chair at my desk, tired, trying to catch my breath, angry, and not knowing what to do about it. I was just so very angry, and there was nothing I could do to satiate my hatred. I needed to rail against the person who had wronged me so. I pulled up a chat log on my computer that I had had with this person. You see, a couple days before, we were the best of friends, and it was only through some unusual circumstances, which I still don’t understand, that I had become this person’s enemy. I read these chats, and found some advice I had given. My anger started to subside as I realized how much I cared for this person. I was angry because I had been pushed away, when I was trying to help.

I dropped to my knees and prayed for forgiveness. That was what I needed to do to get rid of my anger all along. Nothing but the grace of God could satisfy me in that hour of need. The love I had previously felt for this person returned, and all anger disappeared. Why I didn’t turn to God in the first place, I cannot say, but at least, in the end, I found the solace, not that I was seeking, but that I actually needed.

As a side note, one other thing I did take away from this experience is the need I have for something to be able to test my swords. I’m thinking some sort of mannequin-like thing, maybe made out of styrofoam, that I can cut, stab, slash, and generally destroy, and then once it’s no longer usable, throw out. I think it’d be very useful for me to have such a thing, and if anyone knows where I can get something like that, I’d very interested to hear it.

shibuya karaoke street by WasabiNoise

As you, my loyal readers (do I have loyal readers, other than my mom and sisters?) are aware, I have been anxiously awaiting word from the JET Program to find out if I will be spending the next year or so in Japan. I finally got word back from them last night. They selected me as an alternate. What that means is that if someone they accepted changes their mind about going, or if someone drops out after they’re there, I might get selected to take their place. So, anytime between now and December, I might get another email from them saying they want me after all. It also means that I still have to fill out the same paperwork as if I were going, without any guarantee that I will get accepted.

Needless to say, this is incredibly frustrating. It incredibly frustrates my job situation. Right now, I’m working part-time as an assistant webmaster at UT, in the ME department. They love me down here and there has been some serious discussion about making me full-time. Unfortunately this is a very involved and difficult process, because it involves creating a new position for me, so they’d have to entertain other applicants for the position, yada, yada, yada. And with recent budget cuts, it becames even more difficult, but even still, my boss, and my boss’s boss want to try to make it happen. But if I’m leaving for Japan later this year, it’s not worth it to them. I can’t tell them I’m going to stay, and a week after I’m made full-time tell them I’m going to leave.

The hardest part of this whole thing for me is that I prayed long and hard about this program before I applied, and He told me to go for it. I knew from the get-go that I should apply to this program. Unfortunately, He never told me I would get accepted, just that I should apply. That’s been really hard for me to accept. I had a long talk with Him last night. There were many tears and some angry voices (from me, not Him, of course). Eventually I came to realize that whatever happens, somehow this will all be for my good. Whatever He has in store for me, I know He loves me, and wants the best for me. So I just have to move forward, without seeing the path ahead, and trust in Him to lead me to a good place.

As I mentioned earlier today, I interviewed for the JET Program yesterday. One of the questions, as I said, was about how I, as a Christian, would cope with living in a Buddhist country. I gave some answer about how I get along just fine with people of every religion, and that I would be fine worshiping, if I had to, on my own.

Today in Institute class, we were reading in Moses 6, which says, in verse 17: "And Enos and the residue of the people of God came out from the land, which was called Shulon, and dwelt in a land of promise." We talked for a bit about "lands of promise." We discussed the various times in history when the children of God have been asked to leave a place, and go to a land of promise, a place of safety and refuge where they would be protected from the world: Enos and his children going to Cainan, Moses and the children of Israel venturing into Canaan, Brigham Young and the early Mormons crossing the frontier to Utah. We then talked about how today, we build our own lands of promise wherever we live. A thought came to me. In certain times of history, the Lord has required the children of God to leave a part of the world physically, and separate themselves so that, as a people, they can grow, and progress spiritually. We aren’t asked to do that in our time. We are asked to do something much harder. We’re required of the Lord to remain in the world physically, and separate ourselves spiritually so that we can grow and progress as individuals and families.

As I thought about this, my thoughts went back to my interview the day before when I was asked how I would deal with living in a Buddhist nation. I realized then that if I go to Japan, I will be physically separated more from the "lands of promise" which I have developed more than I ever have been in my life. Right now, I have my family a few hours away, and countless friends in the Church to support me when I need it. When I was in Scotland, I was in a land where there weren’t many members of the church, but I was constantly surrounded by other missionaries, and my mission president. I was in Germany for some time, away from my spiritual support, but it was only for a short time, and the ward in that town was still fairly large.

I may end up in a small village where I’m the only member of the Church, and I may be in a branch that meets several few hours away, and only has twenty members. I may not have the support structure that I have here. I may be venturing into Babylon, and if I, like one whose name I share, get thrown into the lion’s den, I need to be ready to close their mouths. I was looking at this as an opportunity to learn more about another culture and language, and to expand my skills, but this could, likely be a challenging spiritual journey for me as well. I’m going to need to shore up my spiritual reserves.

I had a profound experience this morning that I wanted to share.

I was walking to the bus stop to get to school. I had accidentally slept in, so I was much later than I normally would be. As I turned a corner, I happend to look up and see a bird.

I don’t know what type of bird it was. It wasn’t huge, but it was a small bird. Its wingspan was about twice, perhaps a little more than, that of a crow’s.

I stood there and watched the bird for some time. I saw it turn; I saw it glide; I saw it soar upward; I saw it dip down. The bird seemed to own the breeze. As it flew, it carried with it a certain majesty that I’m not sure I’ve previously seen in any of God’s creations.

What I saw before me was a work of art, created by the hand of God. Not simply the bird was a work of art, but the entire sight: the light breeze which the bird bent to its will, the way the bird shifted its wings, the blue sky with light clouds serving as a backdrop. It was beautiful.

As I watched this flight, a feeling came to me that God himself had painted this picture especially for me. I knew at that moment that God was watching me, and mindful of me, and desirous that I be happy. I have in the past had experiences that told me that God was real, and mindful of us, but few of these experiences brought that truth into my heart more fully did this masterpiece did for me at this time.

I feel that this experience will remain with me for a long time. I’m so grateful for the beauty that god shows us day by day, and this particular experience that brought this feeling to me. With so much in our world that is ugly, we must every day remember everything around us that is beautiful.